Winding Down

So the first year is finally coming to a close and I am one final away from being totally finished with it all.  As I am beginning to wind down and getting ready for summer, I find myself planning ahead, trying to make sure I complete all the things I have to finish before getting my MA so I can move on to my PhD.  It is really kind of weird to be planning for stuff like that, at least in my mind.

I find myself at a point where I am planning for things that are a year, if not more, in advance at the end of my first year.  Not only does this not even seem possible considering I can still remember not knowing if grad school was the right decision, it really seems so fast.  But then I start thinking and realize I only have two years of coursework left and then I will never have to be in a classroom again learning things.  After that, the only reason I would be in a classroom was because I was teaching things, which is something I am planning on for sure.  It is really just surreal to think of how quickly life is moving right now.  Though I am tired and wish I could put the brakes on from time to time, I am really excited at the prospects that lie ahead.

Grad school has definitely been moving fast and so have those things that are more related to my future career.  I have several jobs lined up that are already giving me a great deal of experience in teaching and now I really need to buckle down on getting more research experience.  Interestingly, I am not even close to being behind on any of this, I am actually ahead in terms of both research and teaching bench marks.  This has been one wild and crazy year but I am definitely excited that it is coming to an end, even if briefly, so I can really get moving forward on other things and catch up on some more personal aspects of life over the summer.  That will be nice…to say the least.

Getting Approval

So one of the major things that has happened to me in the past month or so is that I had to go through the process of getting my study approved by the IRB.  The IRB is the Institutional Review Board, which every academic institution has and it is designed to make sure that the studies people do are not harming participants or putting any undue stress on them.  Obviously, most studies don’t come anywhere near doing bad things to people, but every now and then in the past, somebody conducted a study that was eventually seen as unethical.  Thus, now we have IRB’s to make sure that this does not happen.

I wasn’t worried about my study not being approved because of any unsavory things I was doing to people, but it was still a nerve-wracking process.  The application requires you to explain your study to people who do not have any knowledge of your field.  This can be rather difficult because usually the studies designed are rather technical and have drawn upon a lot of previous empirical and theoretical work.  Interestingly, the IRB doesn’t really want to know about the theoretical and empirical underpinnings, which can often justify why certain things are being done, but they just want the details of your own study.

I was one of the first people in my cohort of friends to get this application done and so we were all interested in whether we would be accepted or not.  We had heard horror storied about the IRB not being very favorable to social science research because they do not seem to understand the necessity of some of the procedures we as social scientists used.  However, the acceptance letters from everyone I know who has submitted just kept coming in and we soon realized we were grossly misinformed.  Perhaps it was a rumor the IRB started themselves to try and scare people into being very precise and honest about what is going on so they don’t have to worry too much about the applications they receive.  Nonetheless, I was approved to begin conducting my research for my Master’s Thesis.  So that was very exciting and a really good process to go through.

It seems that there are processes in place in grad school that are absolutely terrifying when you first are going into them.  However, you soon realize once it is all said and done that it wasn’t even as hard as you thought it might be.  Maybe the fear you get does get you to work a little harder or try that much more to get it done right.  Obviously it will never be perfect but it seems that there is some leeway in perfection.  I think you can scare yourself into thinking that things have to be perfect before you turn them in but you soon realize it just isn’t true.  That doesn’t mean don’t try your best but so long as you have tried your best, people seem to be forgiving of small missteps or lack of clarity here or there.  It is pretty interesting all-in-all but just really relieving to have been approved.

Beginning My Own Research

So I have begun the process of collecting data for my Master’s Thesis and I am in the process of getting the early stages of the proposal for the actual paper all squared away.  All seems to be going well but it is a little surreal to actually be in the middle of conducting my own research in grad school.  Sure I conducted some research in my undergraduate career but this is really different.  For the most part, I conducted research in my undergrad as a class requirement or to get Honors in Psychology when I graduated.  But in a lot of ways, that research was not my own because I had to give in to a lot of what other people thought I should do or what I was assigned to do.  This research I am doing now is my own.

I never thought by the end of my first year I would be in the midst of my first major research project, which is a candidate for getting published eventually and beginning my career as an academic.  It really is just a surreal situation.  This is what I want to be doing with my life and I am actually doing it now.  Earlier this year I started teaching on a semi-regular basis and began getting a taste of that and now I am conducting my own research.  It is like I am finally getting to do what I wanted to do in the first place and it really is an exciting feeling.

Obviously there are things that aren’t so great like the amount of time it takes to be doing this stuff, especially when you have assignments for your full load of classes to worry about.  But still, getting the opportunity to really do what it is that I want to be doing with myself is just exciting.  It makes a lot of the struggles and annoyances in the past kind of worth it because you now can start to see the road to where you are going a little clearer.  I guess that is what this year has been like for me.  At first, it felt like I had set out into the wilderness without a clue of where I was or what I should be doing.  However, slowly but surely, I began to find my way as my path toward my goals became clearer and clearer as I reached certain milestones and achievements along the way.  I think getting to do my own research really is one of those major moments of clarity that soothes your nerves and helps you see that things just might be okay after all.  It isn’t an easy path to follow but once you start to see it and see where it is leading you, it makes you happy that you put yourself out there in the wild in the first place.

Before Going On

I haven’t written in a long time because I have become exceedingly busy with work and such.  These are all things that I thought were very worrisome and required all my attention, making drop off the planet to friends, family, and this blog.  But then something absolutely chilling happens and reminds you of the trivial nature of many of the things we worry about in our daily lives that take us away from enjoying our time with the things and people we care about most.

I have been following the events at Virginia Tech since Monday and have been very stricken by what occurred there.  I don’t know anyone there and am in no way personally involved in what is going on there but it is so frightening and sad and to look at what all of those people going through whatever it is that they are currently going through.  I cannot even begin to imagine what those people must be feeling.

The only thing I can keep thinking about through all of this is how truly sad it is that as humans we tend to require a shocking and horrifying event to jolt us from our day to day to appreciate life.  We are reminded of the trivial nature of the day to day grind that continually requires us to choose between friends and family.  I think especially as students, we feel pressure to get done what must get done and often sacrifice that phone conversation or that drive in the open air just to get things done.  Though I do understand the importance of getting things done, it is also important to not get too wrapped up in everything because of the fact that life is fleeting.  One second you are in class worrying about midterms and in an instant the world as you know it can change and those things no longer matter.

Paraphrasing something an official at the Virginia Tech convocation said, you can’t worry about academics if you do not take care of yourself personally.  Obviously, for those people there, this has monumentally different meanings and I do not want to trivialize that in any way.  However, I think there is a lot to be learned from that idea.  I think school can make you take certain things to seriously at the expense of taking vastly more important things for granted.  Classes come and go and can usually be dealt with if need be, life only has one shot.  I am truly saddened by what happened at Virginia Tech and my deepest sympathies go out to all the people affected by this horrible tragedy.  I just did not feel like I could report on the things going on my life without taking the time to pay respects to this monumentally important occurrence in our nation’s history and in the lives of those poor people who have been affected by it.  More on the things in my life later.  Take care, all.

Getting Things Done

One might assume that getting research done in grad school would be relatively easy considering that is what grad school is meant for in large part.  However, you may be surprised at the obstacles that are placed in the way of a good idea and actually getting to conduct research.  Obviously, there are reasons for these obstacles to be in place, most of them are actually good reasons, but it is unfortunate that the process of moving through this process can be rather slow and uninformative.

I suppose this is one of those life lessons you pick up along the way in grad school.  There are usually things that one must complete to first to get done what you had set out on originally.  However, to get there, the process can be tedious and slow, often leading to frustration.  But like I said, there is a reason these processes are in place and it is important to respect these processes for what they are.  It would just be nice if the process could be sped up a bit.  Unfortunately, it does not seem like that is a possibility.

One of the people I work with has a little phrase on her door that basically reads there are three possible ways work could done and you can only choose two.  The choices are as follows, more or less: accurately, timely, and happily.  As I have gone through grad school, in just about everything I have encountered, it seems that this is true.  If I want something done “right,” meaning I don’t want to have to do it over in any way, I am probably going to forgo my personal happiness because it will take a little longer and require more diligence on my part.  However, if I want to be happy, the quality usually suffers because it didn’t take as long.  I guess in the end, what I am trying to say, sometimes you just have to put up with less than efficient process if you want to make sure the things you do are not only effective but correct.  Small price to pay to not get slammed with problems in the future if you ask me.

3/4

I am ¾ of the way done with my first year in grad school.  I never thought it would have happened so fast.  It doesn’t feel like I graduated from undergrad almost a year ago.  I still remember getting into grad school like it was yesterday when it fact it has been about a year now since I was accepted.  Things have moved so quickly and continue to do so that it really is just hard to believe that the first year is almost over.

Last August, I started off not sure of what I was doing here and whether or not I belonged in grad school.  I doubted my abilities and was very close to quitting once Thanksgiving had rolled around in time.  But as I kept going and had people encouraging me to stay with it, I started to find my stride.  It seemed like I stumbled out of the gates and got tripped up by something in the beginning.  I am not sure what it was but I think it was expecting too much from myself at the very beginning.  If there is one thing I can say about grad school it is too not expect everything to come to you at first and to make sure you are humble about your own abilities.  Grad school is one of those places that definitely lets you know where you stand in the world and sometimes it can be very hard to find out that you aren’t as high up as you thought you were.

Finding my stride wasn’t easy but it was definitely a learning experience.  Sometimes you have to experience hardship and, in a lot of ways, earn the respect you eventually will receive from others at this level.  But as these things started to fall into place, the things I expected grad school to be started to come true.  I even managed to get a professor, who I thought hated me, interested in the things I am researching and wanting to work with me on these things.  Grad school allows you to show what you can do but it seems that those that are already there are waiting to be impressed.  They are not necessarily waiting to be impressed by your abilities either, it seems like they are waiting to be impressed by your perseverance instead.  It seems to me, in grad school, people want to know that you have gone through the motions to get where you are at.  Your intelligence is never in question, you are in grad school, you obviously are intelligent.  Instead, people want to make sure you are in it for the right reasons.  If you are there to just show off how smart you are they have no need to bother with you, however, if you really want to be doing this because you are passionate, you will be willing to put up with the ups and downs of grad school until you get there; it is at this point you earn the respect of your peers and professors as a colleague.  It was an interesting journey to come to the realization that it wasn’t whether or not I was smart that mattered, but whether I was willing to put my intelligence to the test and really try to learn how to use it in a meaningful way.

The first ¾ of my first year have not been easy for me but I feel as though I have learned a lot from my experiences with grad school and the people involved.  Now, I am teaching and working on research with two people I respect highly and vice versa.  It has been an interesting experience to say the least but it is also one that I wouldn’t have traded for the world.  Here’s to the last ¼ of the year.

Spring Break

So my Spring Break has come and gone and now I am back into the mix of things.  But I tell you, my Spring Break was great.  I didn’t go anywhere special or do anything out of the ordinary for myself.  All I did was relax and reflect back on what has been going on for me in these past few months.

Sometimes it is important to give yourself that well-needed and deserved break from doing anything that could be considered “too much work.”  I was able to reflect on everything that has been going on and then was able to start really thinking through some of the ideas I have had floating through my head about research and such.  Now, some may say that this is “too much work” but I enjoy thinking about research ideas and ways to enact them so, for me, this was all quite enjoyable.

There were definitely more things I should have done (Like writing posts for this blog that has become unintentionally very neglected) but I was happy to have a week to myself relaxing and reorganizing my thoughts and self, in general.  Now I am back at it and feel surprisingly refreshed and ready to tackle this last quarter of my first year in grad school.  The first ¾ of the year have been good, but that is for another post entirely.

Life Comes at You Fast

Some may have noticed an absence from my blogging duties as of late but it was for a reason that I think I have mentioned before, and if not, I have meant to mention it.  Life happens and there really isn’t any controlling it.  You just have to ride the wave and hope you don’t get pulled under and that would probably be the best possible outcome from all of it.  In essence, I have been riding a huge wave life sent my way and it isn’t until now that I feel comfortable enough that the shore in which I stand on isn’t going to be ripped out from under me.

About two weeks ago, in my own family, there were a series of rather frightening visits to the hospital that rattled me pretty hard.  I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to deal with a parent becoming violently ill and coming pretty close to some very serious and possibly life-threatening problems.  Luckily, that issue died out with relatively few problems but right on the tails of this issue came my girlfriend’s grandfather becoming very ill.  We had just recently celebrated his 95^th birthday and I had just met the whole family and everyone was feeling really good.  But then life happens and there is nothing you can do about it.

Shortly after the 95^th birthday, my girlfriend’s grandfather deteriorated rapidly and no more than a week-and-a-half later, he had passed away.  I needed to be there for my girlfriend through all of this but obviously she and I both still had school to deal with.  Taking off a week-and-a-half in grad school can put you pretty far behind and this all happened right before midterms.  This means missing class now could be very costly.  So, through all of this, my girlfriend and I had to keep going through the motions and though we got some sympathy from professors who understood that maybe we wouldn’t be our normal selves in class, work still had to be done and projects still had to be completed.

Life seems to have a nasty habit of not letting up when it should but it is important to know how to work through it and try to stay on your feet the best you can while things are going on around you.  This has been a rough few weeks for me and those I care about in my life but it seems that things are starting to get back to normal.  Thankfully, I have a week off for Spring Break to recover and catch up on some things that were not essential to get done throughout all of this.  I think that is my best advice through all of this.  When life happens, you can’t avoid it and you usually still have commitments and responsibilities to live up to so it is important to get done what absolutely must be done, but let those other things you would have normally be doing slide so you can deal with life otherwise.  It is hard but I guess you can make it through it.  After things settle down, though, make sure to take a break to make sure you are okay.

Thriving on Stress

I have come to realize that I am a person who thrives on stress.  I think I have known this for a while but I really do believe that graduate school has shown me just how well I do when I am under stress or pressure of some sort.  This is not a call for people to become stress-a-holics or anything, but it is just a realization I have made in terms of how I deal with stress.

If there is one thing about grad school that is a constant it is stress.  I don’t think there has been a point in my life since I started grad school where I didn’t have something to do or something on my mind that was a stressor in my life.  The important thing is that you have some constructive way of dealing with it.  Most of my friends all have their way of dealing with it and the ones who have found some constructive way of dealing with it are doing pretty well.  However, those who seem to be overwhelmed by the stress in their life seem to be floundering around more and are less driven in terms of the direction they are going. 

For me, I use my stress as motivation for getting things done I suppose.  When I am not stressed, which is pretty much never, I feel like I am not productive and have a harder time getting things done.  However, as stress begins to pile up I kind of welcome it because it forces me to prioritize and evaluate my situation.  It forces me to trim out things in my life that aren’t going to get something done for me, both professionally and personally.  Again, I think the stress also forces me to schedule time to unwind and do things I want to do with my time as well as organizing the aspects of my life that require me to meet deadlines and such. 

I think it is safe to say that I might be an exception to some rule about how to deal with stress but the really important thing to note here is that you must have some constructive way to deal with stress.  If that can’t be found it seems that grad school gets harder than it already is and becomes overwhelming and you are left behind.  So learning to deal with those things that stress you out in life, both in terms of handling it when it arises but also learning how to get away from it and unwind, are key features in terms of what you learn in grad school that is not on some course syllabus or in some textbook.  Though this may be true, it is an exceptionally valuable skill to learn so that as stress mounts in your life, you can deal with it accordingly and not let it stop you.

The Other Side of the Desk

As I noted earlier, I have begun teaching a statistics course at my old undergraduate university.  This is my first real experience teaching people en masse.  It has been an interesting experience to say the least that I am glad I am learning sooner rather than later.  Based on my experiences so far, anyone considering becoming a professor in the future should teach as soon as possible once they begin grad school.

I have had experience tutoring and such, which is good because I learned how to communicate things to people to help them understand material early on.  However, tutoring and teaching are very different.  Obviously, the first major difference would be the difference in amount of people being dealt with at one given time.  This is a major obstacle because everyone moves at a different pace; some people get it and others need a lot more attention.  Now I have come to realize very quickly that I do not like letting people fall behind because I believe, as a personal philosophy, that no student should ever feel like they are floundering out of water and are unable to perform because of this.  That said, I have had a hard time dealing with balancing between going too fast and going too slow in class because you really have to find that sweet spot where the people that get it aren’t dying of boredom and people that don’t get aren’t dying of fear and anxiety over not understanding what is going on in class.  It is an interesting and delicate balance that must be achieved and I think I am starting to get the hang of it but still have done definite kinks to work out of the system.

Another major thing I have noticed is that I am a bit of a push over when it comes to grading or exams.  This may just be due to lack of experience with the whole administering a test thing, but I think some of it goes back to my whole personal philosophy.  I don’t like seeing people fail and stuff like that but I also need to learn that evaluations must be made of people both for their sake and my own.  It is important for me because it lets me know how I am doing as an instructor because it lets me know exactly how many people may be floundering.  But there is something that goes hand-in-hand with people floundering, which is apathy.

Some people just don’t care about what is going on and see their participation in this class as merely a requirement to graduate.  Those people make it difficult to gauge how things are going in the class.  Since they are completely apathetic they are probably not trying nor do they care so motivation is at an all-time low and is poised to stay there indefinitely.  For someone like me, who has chosen to devote themselves to the world of academics and such, it can be a little hard to understand why you couldn’t care less about your education, especially when you are paying to be there (well, at least your parents are paying for you to be there).  But again, these are all types of students one has to encounter and deal with as a teacher.

These are all things as a student that I don’t think I ever really considered beforehand.  Sure you noticed the people who weren’t paying attention or who didn’t get it, heck, at one point or another you probably were one of those people.  But as the teacher, it becomes your responsibility to maneuver through all of these types of students and everything in between and hope that at some level you are getting through and helping at least those who want to learn.  It is interesting being the one who writes on the board and comes up with lesson plans.  It isn’t easy but it is an exciting challenge that I am adapting to and hope to carry on with throughout my grad school career and the future.  In a lot of ways, the learning never stops, it just changes in terms of where you get your knowledge.  Before it was textbooks and professors, now it is more like students and experience.  It is all very interesting to me.