I Blame It On the Fireworks

So I have not posted anything in a while and I a sorry for that.  However, as the title informs you, I am blaming it on the fireworks.  You are probably confused about what I am talking about at this point in time but I will explain shortly.  I am hoping that I will begin to post on a much more regular basis as I have much to talk about and mull over in my mind.

Every once in a while you come across an experience that just gets you going in those things that you are passionate about.  Depending on what you are passionate about, different things will peak your interest even more so than you ever thought possible.  For me, I am passionate about research and the like.  I am currently taking a class that has sparked a firestorm of ideas in my mind and I have been going, nonstop this semester coming up with new ideas and thoughts.  My brain has pretty much been a fireworks show of ideas and I have fully been enjoying myself.

That said, I have been distracted from other things in terms of my motivation to get them done.  Thankfully, my research advisor grounded me and told me that though it is great that I have been coming up with all of these new ideas, I still need to get things done.  I actually have to follow through on some of my older ideas and even the new ones and that requires me to sit down and hammer things out and put it down on paper.  He also reminded me that I have other responsibilities and obligations to attend to, like coursework and my personal life, so I need to make sure that my ideas don’t take over.

It is hard to rein in your passions but it is also important not to let them spiral out of control.  So I am definitely excited about all of this, but I am going to do my best to stay focused on all those other things that need my attention as well. 

Settling in Second Semester

My second semester in grad school has begun and it has been an interesting start to say the least.  It has been a bit of a mix bag of emotions and thoughts after coming back from break.  I have been thinking about what to really say about it all, hence the lack of a post in a while.  But I think I have sorted things out well enough for me to understand them and try to communicate what has been going on in an understandable manner.

My first semester in grad school went really well and I can’t really complain.  Obviously, there were ups and downs in the semester but I made it through just fine.  The problem with last semester was that it was such a whirlwind experience that I never got a chance to slow down and think about things and then break came and I had a whole lot of time to think about things.  Once I got back for my second semester things seemed to crystallize in my mind in terms of how I feel about grad school and it was a bit of a startling discovery.

In coming back, it was back to the daily grind of problem sets and readings and such.  All of this is probably no big deal but the thing is that I don’t think I was expecting this from grad school.  I was expecting the reading, that was a no-brainer, but the busy work was what was frustrating.  I wasn’t expecting that and with time to reflect on it and really think about what was happening to me, I realized I resented it a little bit.

I am not quite sure what it was that I was expecting from grad school, but I was definitely expecting a different experience.  It really frustrated me and for the first week or so in the second semester, I was pretty upset with my situation.  I was even considering leaving because I was having trouble seeing the end goal when all I had to do was what felt like busy work. 

In questioning my decision to be here, I happened to talk to a few people and happened to speak with one of the older students in my program.  I let him know how I feel and he told me it was a pretty natural feeling but to not lose sight of what I had set out to accomplish in grad school.  The busy work can definitely be disheartening but it is part of the process in getting to that end goal.

This helped frame things for me a little better and then I had a great interaction with one of my professors, who, to be perfectly honest, is very intimidating to me.  He is one of those people whose intelligence is very evident and he carries himself in such a way that you know you are dealing with one of the most intelligent people you will probably ever meet.  Nonetheless, the other day I had a really good interaction and discourse with him where he was interested in a lot of the ideas I had and was even impressed by some of the ideas because he had never thought of them himself.

It was these types of interactions that I think I was hoping for in grad school and was hoping for throughout grad school.  But as the older student told me, all this comes with time as the professors get to know you and your abilities.  They are almost waiting for you to astonish them in some way and until then they have to fill the time with coursework and such.  So in the end, I think I am back on track after that momentary lapse of understanding of what I was doing here.  But it seems that this is common occurrence in grad school where you question your worth or reasoning behind going to school.  Again, this is why it is so important to have a goal beyond grad school to keep you grounded because sometimes school itself is just not enough to keep you motivated.  Luckily, I know there is more to my aspirations than just grad school, such as teaching and research.  So I guess I have settled in the second semester and am waiting for this to fly by as well.

Starting Off on the Right Foot

I started my second semester of grad school today and I am feeling good about how things are shaping up so far.  I have only had one real class so far, statistics, which seems like it will be challenging but manageable.  There are two more courses on my schedule that I am excited to see how they come about with the topic and material.  So, classes have shaped up to be pretty good so far.

The big news, though, is that I have a job!  Not just any job, either.  Starting this semester I am the Statistics Lab Manager at one of the surrounding undergraduate colleges, and my alma mater.  This means I get to be a teacher and teach undergraduate students introductory level statistics, specifically how to use the computer programs used in the psych field.

I am really excited and nervous about this opportunity because it is my first real teaching job.  I have tutored people before and shown movies here or there for professors before, but this is different.  The students will actually be relying on me to learn new material and such.  I really hope I don’t screw up because if I do well I will be able to hold this position until I choose to leave the position.

This is a huge opportunity for me as it is the beginning of my academic career as a teacher.  So far, the new year seems to be shaping up quite well for me and I will be sure to keep everyone posted of the occurrences and thoughts throughout this semester.  Take care and Happy New Year.

Time For What?

So now that I am on break from my first semester of grad school I have found it difficult to remember what it was that I actually used to do with my free time.  I have decided to catch up on some pleasure reading and play some video games as those are both things I thoroughly enjoy…but at the same time, I have all this time and I don’t really know what to do with it.

I have felt compelled that I have to be doing something to fill the void of time at this point but I know there is no need to do that.  I could just sit down and relax but that is not as easy as it sounds.  After being in grad school, I have become used to the pressure of constant work and now that there isn’t constant work, my mind and body are still expecting it.

I guess the work won’t come and I really should do everything I can to enjoy my break and relax.  Normally, when a semester ended in undergrad though, I looked forward to the break because I felt like I needed to recharge.  Now, I don’t feel like I need a recharge, I feel like I want to keep moving.  I think that has to do with the fact that I am enjoying grad school and doing this because I want to and it is for me.  Stopping something you enjoy, even though you know it is stressful and time consuming, seems odd.  Oh well, I guess I will try to relax now.  Happy Holidays!

Support System

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over two and-a-half years and she has never been more important to me than she is now.  Obviously, she has always been important to me but the support she has offered me this year so far with grad school has been amazing.

Unfortunately for me, my friends and family, for the most part, do not understand why I am in grad school and either constantly question my decision and try to get me out of it or heckle me for doing it in the first place.  My girlfriend, however, is in law school and is a year ahead of me so she is in a similar situation to me.  Now law school and grad school are very different because I have no idea what she is talking about when she gets going about her law stuff but the same is true for her when I get going about my social psych stuff.  That isn’t the point though.  The point is that we are able to share our experiences with each other and can understand the stresses we are under.

If we both weren’t in some type of graduate school, I don’t know how easily we would be getting along because there is a big difference between the working world’s stresses and the stresses of graduate school education.  First of all, there is the fact that money isn’t an issue in grad school.  The reason it isn’t an issue is because you have very little of it so most of it goes to rent and food.  But this is different when you have a job and are making money.  You can do more, in theory.  However, I look at my friends with jobs and even my family and I can see that they are unhappy because they, for the most part, are not doing things that they enjoy.  At least I know I am doing something I enjoy by being in grad school and pursuing my PhD.

Now, I am not advising to go and get a significant other and your problems with stress management in grad school will magically disappear.  That is anything but true.  The point is that you need find support systems that will listen to you when you need to talk about what is going on with your life and not judge you or look at you funny because they don’t agree with your choice to be there in the first place.  That could be a significant other but it could very well be friends and family.  It is never overrated to look at the other people in your program as well for support because I have found a great deal of support in them as well.  The point is just to find support from those who can empathize with your situation in grad school and not test your convictions to be there because those convictions are already being tested in the process…there is no need to reinforce that any more so than it has to be. 

As someone who used to value my ability and strength to make it through things in my life on my own, of which I have many examples, grad school humbled me quickly in realizing the benefit of seeking help when needed.  Even if you don’t actively seek it out, simply knowing you have that support in your back pocket can be comforting enough to pick yourself up and move on with things.  Support is good and necessary at this stage of the game.

Guilty

I talked about not knowing what to do over this break and now I feel funny.  I know what it feels like but it is an odd feeling to have over a break.  I feel guilty for not working on something.  I could be working on my research and further developing it, but it is not imperative that it gets done right away.  I plan on working on it later but I am trying to force myself to wait on that one.

There is no reading to be done, no papers to be written, no outlines to be drawn up for class.  I feel guilty for not doing work and doing what I want to do this break.  It’s funny because my girlfriend just finished her first semester of her second year in law school and she feels the same way.  I guess it is nice knowing I am not crazy in the way I am feeling but I have to be honest when I say that I think it is a bit crazy that I feel guilty for not doing work.

It seems that I have to learn to let myself have time off and not feel bad about it because I worry that I will just become a workaholic and that is not something I want.  I want to be able to take a break and enjoy it without wondering what the next thing is that needs to get done.  Again, I think this is one of those learning experiences of grad school that are not in the curriculum or taught formally in any class but one of those life lessons it forces you to face.  I need to learn to be okay with vacation time and separate work for pleasure.

I am working on this and still enjoying my break but need to get rid of this nagging guilt feeling.  Maybe I should stop thinking about it so much and bringing it to the forefront of my mind.  Alright, I am going to go lose myself in a video game or something like that.

Facing the Family

Being that it is the holidays I am going home for an extended period of time, yet again, but now must face my entire family at times and this should be interesting.  I love my family, don’t get me wrong, but the problem is that they have never fully understood my decision to choose a PhD as my career path.

I am the first person in my family to ever go this far in school and the first male in my family to graduate from college in general.  Most of the men in my family became law enforcement of some kind but all went and got jobs to support the family as soon as they could.  Choosing to continue education and stay in academia after school as a professor doesn’t really register with my family.  Since I decided to go they have looked at me funny questioning my sanity and commitment to my family for doing this.

It isn’t easy dealing with this tension between my personal desires and aspirations and the obligations and responsibilities I feel toward my family and from my family.  No one person in my family fully understands my decision, which isn’t surprising nor do I hold it against them considering nobody has ever come this far, and so I tend to get questions from various angles and cautious support for what I am doing every time I see them.  I am pretty sure they understand what I am doing is unique and should be praised for that fact but they mostly see my attending graduate school as an attempt to avoid the real world.  Again, I would challenge any of my family members to taking my position for a week in grad school to see just how much work I am doing.  At least when they come home from work, the work stops.  Not so much in grad school.

Part of me always knew I would be facing this when I went off to grad school and I accepted the challenge of not having my family’s full support.  I welcome the challenge in trying to educate them about what it is I am doing.  Though it is often unsuccessful, those moments of absolute pride I see in my grandfather’s eyes or that I hear in my mother’s voice when they understand that what I am doing is somehow important in a way they don’t fully understand, make it all worth while.  It is just a manner of deflecting the criticisms and knowing that they are proud of you and will understand at some point once you get there.  It will just take time.

3/3 (100%!!!)

So I just finished my last final and talk about ending on a high note.  Felt really good about this final and though I should still be there, I wrote all of the possible 12 essays, of which we only had to write on an unknown two come test time.  I think my answering all 12 questions was a great way for me to study for this exam and why I feel so good about how I did.

With that, I am done with my first semester of grad school and I am left in a surreal moment.  Not but three months ago I was wondering what I was doing here and now I am feeling like I do belong here.  The work is hard and tiring and causes me to make sacrifices in my life but that is all worth it to me.  It is worth it because I want this so bad.  It really is hard to believe that the first semester is over though. 

According to my professor in my social psych class, it is all downhill from here.  This could sound horrible but he meant it in the way that after the first semester, things are never as hard.  I don’t know if I really believe that or not, so I am in a kind of wait and see mode on that one.  Regardless of how difficult the next two and half years of coursework are, the important thing right now is that I got the first semester under my belt and I should come out of it pretty okay.  This all means that I am on the right path toward becoming a professor and researcher, which is what I so passionately want in life.  And now, it is time for a month long happy dance.  Happy holidays to everyone and I will keep you posted throughout break.

67%

So I am sitting in my room right now, still recovering from my stats final.  I don’t feel as good about that one as I do about my Research Methods final I took yesterday, but I don’t think I did horribly.  I just don’t think I did well enough to improve my grade in the class any.  So that means I have just one more test to go.

With only 33% of my first semester left to complete, I am at a loss for words.  I can’t even begin to describe how quickly this semester moved and also how much was crammed into my head.  There were definitely times that I didn’t think I could get it done and that I was going to quit.  But the thing I realized that everyone else in grad school feels that way, even the people who are at the top of the class.  I have learned that though grades obviously personally matter and that it is important to do well because not doing so equals getting kicked out of school, but the fact of the matter is that being in grad school means you should be able to do just fine in the courses because, well, you are there.  It sounds funny to say that simply getting into grad school equates to doing well in grad school, but it really does in a lot of ways.  Things move fast and are difficult but the expectations from professors and peers are so high that you really do see just what you are made of in terms of your academic abilities.

I came into grad school thinking I knew everything there was to know and that this was going to be so easy because I did so well in my undergraduate career.  I was cocky, to say the least.  But then midterms happened and it became very apparent that I didn’t know as much as I thought and what I thought my best was before is nothing compared to what my best is now.  I know that my best will only continue to get better and I am humbled at every turn by my professors and peers but at the same time I am encouraged to keep going and do better.  Everyone in grad school wants you to succeed, even though it is competitive, because the fact of the matter is that the people you are going to class with and spending time with in grad school are going to be your peers in the future as academics.  People have a vested interest in seeing you succeed because that means there is one more person that wasn’t there before that they could collaborate with on something.

So, I do one more happy dance for the completion of the second of three finals and go back to preparing for the last one.  Wish me luck.

1 Down, 2 To Go

Sorry for the lack of posting last week.  I am right in the middle of finals week and last week was the end of the semester so it was hectic to say the least.  To tell you the truth, it is hard to believe that I am done with my first semester of classes in grad school and by Wednesday of this week, I will be done with finals for the first semester.

I have come a long way from completely doubting myself and wondering what I am doing here in grad school to starting to feel like I do actually belong.  Of course, there are always bumps in the road and doubt creeps in when things aren’t going well.  But, when you get a chance to step back and look at things, you realize you are in the middle of finals and looking forward to next semester classes, which means you made it.

I have just finished my first final, which I thought was going to be my hardest, and came out feeling no worse, if not a little better, than when I finished my midterm for the class.  If that holds true, my grade in the class is secure and I can move on with life and grad school knowing I did just fine.  I think that is the biggest change from the beginning of this semester to the end.  My effort levels have not changed but my way of evaluating my success has changed.  I now evaluate myself based on whether my professors treat me as a peer and are generally interested in my research and my ideas.  Before I was focused on grades, which are still important to no end, but it is not the best source of evaluating success.  People with the best grades in grad school don’t always end up being the best at being a PhD.  Keep that in mind because it’s something you have to figure out the meaning to on your own.  Well, I am off to do a mini-happy dance and then back to studying for rounds 2 and 3.